The Severe Cost of Holding A Grudge

As humans, anger and blame can be delicious. We can gloat in our righteousness. We enjoy blaming others when they are in the wrong.

Lawyers can be quick to get angry or hold a grudge. Since the legal profession is adversarial, it is easy to get angry. Keeping a mental list of transgressions is part of the job. “Forgiving” is not part of the job description.

When attorneys refuse to forgive, there is a cost. It can cost relationships; it can make an attorney stay in a foul mood. Anger can separate oneself from others. It hinders one’s productivity and effectiveness. When you are always right, and everyone else is wrong, it is a lonely world.

The problem with holding a grudge is that anger can eat us alive and affect our health. Health challenges can be many times, trace back to smoldering anger and resentments. Being right can sometimes lead to being “Dead Right.”

Resentments cause us to relive the transgression over and over. It makes the offense fresh. It feels like it just happened all over again. When we indulge in anger and rage, we release chemicals in our bodies that cause us to tense up feel stressed. We immerse our bodies in negative feelings.

Meet Claudia

Claudia was a partner. She and her husband divorced seven years ago. They share joint custody of their three children. Every weekend Claudia goes back into the dark tunnel of rage. She recounts her hurts and her ex-husband’s transgressions. Claudia will never have a life or move on if she continues to indulge in her anger with her ex-husband.

How Do We Know If We Are Carrying Resentments?

1. We hold conversations (in our head), remembering what they did to us.

2. We cannot forget the offense.

3. We want to talk about what “they” did to anyone who will listen.

4. We become victims.

5. Our chest or stomach reacts whenever we recall the offense.

6. We have arguments with people who aren’t even there.

7. We replay the incident over and over again in our heads.

Let’s admit it. Anger can feel darned good, especially when we have been wronged.

My Story of Forgiveness

I recall an instance with my younger brother, who was always in trouble and on drugs. He was a real disappointment to our family. He usually made me angry whenever I saw him.

One day, he was in yet another crisis. He needed help financially to be able to work. I convinced my Dad and another brother to help me help him out.

My brother used the money for drugs instead of getting his impounded truck out so that he could work. I was furious. I made up my mind that I was NEVER going to help him again.

Fast forward a year later, I was sitting in my office when I got this thought; it was almost like a voice. It said, “Call your brother and tell him that you know of a place where he can get help and become sober.” I immediately shook that off as a stupid idea. Besides, I was furious with him.

The next day the same thing happened. The thoughts came again like a voice nudging my conscience. The voice was a little louder. I spoke out loud to this ridiculous idea. “No way, I’m not going to help him again!”

The third day as I was working at my computer, the voice repeated it, “Call your brother. Tell him that you know a place where he can get sober.” Irritated, I said to myself, “Okay! Okay!”

I picked up the phone called my brother. I said, “If you ever want to get sober, I know of a place that you can get sober here in Florida.”

He immediately said, “I’m ready.”

The thing is, I didn’t know where he could get sober. Telling my younger brother, I would check around. I tried to find a place for him. I called someone who might know. But we played phone tag for two weeks and never talked.

I forgot about the entire idea of helping my brother until my phone rang. It was my brother, and he asked me, “I thought you said there was a place I could get sober?”

“Oh!” I said. “Let me find a place.” I took my lunch hour and found a place for him. I got him a flight down here.

Long story short, my brother has been sober for almost fourteen years. I had to let go of my anger, and it saved his life.

Before you write someone off or refuse to forgive them, think about my story. You may have a change of heart.